


I Crumble Completely When You Cry

by writing_loser



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst, M/M, Multi, old, pretty nice though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 13:37:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11464689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_loser/pseuds/writing_loser





	I Crumble Completely When You Cry

this is how it worked.

 

 

 

the outside saw them fixing each other. or rather nothing at all. they saw band-aids and breathing machines and bone crushing hugs. they saw through the cracks too. they saw cold, scared, uselessness, not knowing when to stop. they saw attention seeking, fake, anger, paralyzed. they saw the wrong and they made that clear.

 

 

 

those were opinions.

 

 

 

the four did not see. they saw them not fixing each other, they were accepting each other. in ways it seemed like they were fixing, like the way akira left band-aids on tobio's fingers or the way kenma pressed his hand against tadashi's chest when he couldn't breathe, or when akira's mask fell and kenma's eyes showed everything and they were caught in bone crushing hugs.

 

that was not fixing. that was comfort.

 

fixing was when tobio pressed his forehead against the forehead of whoever was silently crying in the night. a nightmare, one caused by the outside.

 

fixing was when akira drew constellations on the scars, freckles, and veins on their arms when they were piled onto the couch.

 

fixing was the way tadashi made sure they all ate three meals a day and drank water and smiled, and they did the same for him.

 

fixing was the way kenma made himself speak up against the outside so that he didn't have to see his partners crying in the early am or the new constellations that could mean anything or feel the ribs of one of them when he hugged them.

 

 

 

tadashi knew his uneasiness and he knew its strength. he knew that when he was with kenma it turned into warm like when you're sitting in the wind and there's a tiny moment where the sun hits your back and it's only warm. he knew that tobio turned it into the breath of fresh air when you leave a crowded room or find someplace air-conditioned in the summer heat. and he knew that when akira turned it to the heaviness of being sleepless and then laying down and not doing anything meant that he was okay. they made him okay and they shook out the nerves.

 

he knew that his three partners shared the same cold, blank look and that this look intimidated most. it kept the outside away from him and it protected him. at the same time, it brought in a wave of outside comments to the three, all because they looked or acted distant. but the outside hadn't seen tobio giggle at cartoons. they hadn't seen akira sit upside down on the couch and read children's books. they most definitely hadn't seen kenma's footie pajamas.

 

they don't see and they judge without a thought.

 

what a piece of shit world.

 

but he payed it no attention. he had his family and they had him. so what if people talk?

 

 

 

akira saw the plain look on his face that they talked about every time he looked in the mirror. he knew that they narrowed their eyes at his own cloudy ones and he also knew that they talked about the way his lips never turned up.

 

his three, they did not. they evened out his cracked voice and smoothed down the lumps in his throat and they pushed his cheeks together to make him laugh. kenma had come up with a secret way of talking to him, the same way tobio whispered into his ear and the same way tadashi never held his hand, but instead held onto where he could feel akira's pulse.

 

kenma asked questions with raised eyebrows and he gave comfort through winks and showed that he was there when it was dark and the bed was cold on his side by linking their fingers or tapping rhythms on his back from songs that used to relax him when he was a child.

 

how kenma knew the songs? he didn't know.

 

one thing he did know was that when the outside judged his blankness, his three tapped his nose or smiled when he giggled at kenma's kitten sneeze or stared at his eyes for hours only to say "i was just looking at the stars".

 

 

 

tobio squeezed his eyes closed when he heard the judgement in voices. he always had and he figured up until them that he always would. in the words he could come up with, he'd have to say that the trio that stayed with him were unphased.

 

not that he believed they were the only three to stay with him, no, of course not. they were the three that stayed with him and fixed. tobio didn't ever like three things before them: old black and white films, piano, and children's playgrounds. understandable, right? the films are stupid, piano is boring, playgrounds are for kids. no. cult films were wrong, piano was terrifying, playgrounds were unforgiven.

 

tobio had not watched one single one of those films until 3:37 am on a saturday night. films were pointless to him, the acting was never right and the bad effects were never right. they scared him really badly. he'd been asleep along with two others but was woken up because of that static sound that comes from blank channels. finding akira switching between the channels and settling with the film was strange, tobio sitting down and watching with him was stranger, and when he looked at the clock to see that it was already seven am, that was the strangest. but he felt warm because of the way the bluish greenish lights from the TV flickered across akira's face and the way his neck hurt due to craning it to look at the screen from the floor.

 

tobio was terrified of piano. it just wasn't right, okay? it was never right. the notes were sad, the feeling was sad, the keys were cold and they always seemed to play during sad parts of movies. songs with sad piano were cut out. it took years to let normal piano back in. tadashi plays the piano, and tobio continued to hide away during this playing. until tadashi had noticed the pattern. tobio was terrified of piano, until one day tadashi guided him over to the seat of the one in the spare room and gently sat him down and grabbed his hands. only naturally they shook and he was hesitant to let the notes ring out and make his chest hurt. tadashi moved his left hand to tap on one note, one that tobio flinched at but slowly relaxed to when it came out neutral. the next note was high, the note after that strong.

 

now, he never could forgive the playgrounds he would see scattered aroud his neighborhood. when he was small they were taken away and forgotten and it was never fair in his mind. he has never been down a slide, he's never swung high enough to see behind him, he's never gotten a scrape from the gravel under the toys. but it was supposed to be right because kids don't need such pointless things when they can be perfecting their academic skills or athletic skills or social skills, and he thought about these things until his eyes were wet. kenma had stopped and sat on a swing when they were walking home. kenma's face did not change and he had continued to swing back and forth slightly, but then he smiled softly at tobio and gestured for him to come over. smiles are rare from that part of the four and tobio did not take it for granted even if everything in him screamed to stay away from the unforgiven place. he walked over. he sat on a swing, he stared at his shoes wondering what to do, and kenma was suddenly pushing him. he had flailed at first but when he saw behind him and saw the sun going down and the air went past him like he was flying and his stomach dropped, he relaxed. he smiled.

 

kenma was completely amazed that they were strong, and he knew exactly how strong they were because he saw all of this. in school tetsurou had always teased him, whether out of amusement or fear, about the fact that he could easily be a shadow. when tadashi was feeling those things the other two made him feel, kenma was seeing it in his eyes from around a corner. when akira was smiling to himself in the mirror, he was sitting on the bed and watching from across the hall. when tobio stared at TV screens and glared at pianos and cried at playgrounds he was watching. because all he ever wanted to do was fix.

 

 

 

they were already fixing themselves.

 

 

 

the outside saw them fixing each other. or rather nothing at all. they saw band-aids and breathing machines and bone crushing hugs. they saw through the cracks too. they saw cold, scared, uselessness, not knowing when to stop. they saw attention seeking, fake, anger, paralyzed. they saw the wrong and they made that clear.

 

 

 

tadashi saw calm, akira saw beauty, tobio saw right, and kenma saw strength. they saw through the cracks too. they saw band-aids and breathing machines and bone crushing hugs. they saw this and they made that clear.


End file.
